What do you think of my poem?
Jan 16, 2010
in
Tornado Pictures Video
Just wrote it, so this is only a first draft, but what do you think?
The shrill shrieks of hollow laughter echo throughout
While images spin through a pulsing body,
And each breathe steals another piece of the core.
Eyes made black from streaming eyes,
And void smiles fill the air,
Fading into the abyss as quickly as they once arrived.
Swirling tornadoes come down to earth
To swoop up a lost soul
Leaving behind the vacancy and taking back the reserved
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2 comments
Thoughts of a dying Atheist on January 16, 2010 at 4:21 pm
I see some flaws here
starting with your first stanza, last line. "and each BREATH steals another piece of the core"
When I hear that, it makes me think that they are stealing some core of a fruit or something. Your last line in that stanza makes no sense what so ever.
Second stanza-
"Eyes made black from streaming eyes"
Okay, eyes cannot stream, Tears can stream from eyes, but eyes cannot stream from eyes.
"And Void Smiles fill the air"
A Void is an empty hole. it is not an adjective. I would suggest changing the word void so something like "Empty smiles fill the air" or something along those lines.
The last line looks okay.
3rd Stanza
A tornado is a vortex, we already know that they are swirling or spinning. You should omit the word swirling. Or change it to something like " Tornadoes spin across the earth"
the third line, I would personally change it, but it’s your poem.
The last line, I would omit the word " The" before vacancy.
Other than that I think it could be a good poem once you touch it up. I sort of like the feel to it.
Sky on January 16, 2010 at 4:21 pm
i liked it alot i thought the whole thing was great like with the tornado but u need to remember u need some rhyming words keep trying!!!!