how does this sound so far?
One
Büchel, Western Germany
4:12 a.m.
The plan was flawless or so he thought, no it was flawless the man restated in his head. He drove up to the security checkpoint in a black Mercedes, flashed his I.D. to the officer, and then sped on to the parking lot. After getting out of the car he made his way to the southern most building. The layout was burned into the back of his mind as a result of hours scanning the blueprints of the complex. A large chalky concrete building loomed in front of him marked “Nuclear Storage Blok 7†in fading yellow paint. “Beep Beep†his watch screeched, 30 more minutes he thought grimly. Walking to the door he slid his stolen I.D into the card reader, and was accepted with a cheerful looking green light as the doors slid open. Walking in, the air condintioning was triggered and he was greeted by a gust of cold air blown at his back. The halls ahead that lead to his destination were empty and he took the moment to un holster his Glock 22 semiautomatic pistol. The safety emitted a “click†as it was flipped off. Florescent lights illuminated his way to the next set of doors. No locks this time and the man stepped through the doors unhindered and arrived in a dank circular room smelling of mold. The walls were gray concrete with orange biohazard signs adding color to the otherwise ashen room. Just one more door the man thought to himself. The room had only one door with a sleepy man dressed in a black uniform with “Sicherheit-Security†marked on it. His name was Hendrik Klien and he had worked here for eight months, lived alone, and was originally from Hamburg. He also knew that he knew that he worked the 4:00-6:30 shift and he would not missed for at least two hours. Armed with this information he walked towards the door. “I.D.†Hendrik said slurring his words. The man pulled out his I.D. as he took the I.D. to examine it the man pulled out his Glock pushed it to his head and fired twice into him. He then let the body fall to the ground and continued through the door without a single thought of remorse. The hangar was dark but the outline of the single Luftwaffe PA-200 Tornado IDS fighter-bomber was clearly visible, however he was more interested in the vault behind it. Punching in the series of 13 digit numbers that had recently been “given†to him the vault opened showing him the prize for his efforts.
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3 comments
RIP Pike Bishop on February 26, 2010 at 11:36 am
The first line is kind of awkward. "The plan was flawless or so he thought, no it was flawless the man restated in his head." When you say the "plan was flawless or so he thought." it suggests he (the protagonist, I’m assuming) doesn’t doubt the plan and is not aware of the foreshadowing revealed in the line "or so he thought." You see, he thinks it’s flawless so he needn’t reassure himself, especially when he’s expressed no doubt about the plan. The effect would be interesting if you’d put this line in quotes, it would be like he had this movie dialogue in his head representing the doubt he had but could only express jokingly.Consider this
A narration resounded in his mind "The plan was flawless… or so he thought." He reassured himself despite the doubt in his jesting. "No the plan was flawless." he restated.
Also it would be a good idea to label this mysterious character with a few other titles other than "he". You don’t have to reveal his name but in not doing so there is an expectation we begin to learn things about him. Even simply calling him a spy or an agent is helpful.
Lilly345797 on February 26, 2010 at 11:36 am
I liked it, but you need to remove some of the details like Luftwaffe PA-200 Tornado IDS fighter-bomber to something like IDS fighter-bomber because people, including me, might not have any idea what that is. But you are a very talented writer.
Jon D on February 26, 2010 at 11:36 am
The way you’ve structured the story and a lot of the word choice and phrasing you use show that you know how to write and format a good tale. I can’t judge the worth of the story from just this small chunk, but one thing I can tell is that you need to get a little more familiar with the different types of punctuation and how to use them. For instance, the first sentence "the plan was flawless or so he thought, no it was flawless the man restated in his head" should be "the plan was flawless, or so he thought. No, it was flawless, the man restated in his head". Try reading your work out loud. If you read it the way it is written you should be able to hear when it sounds unnatural, and then stop and note what would make it sound better (just as a hint, judging from this paragraph the things you want to utilize most are periods). Don’t worry, though… I get a really strong atmosphere from your work, and other than punctuation the writing seems really strong. Punctuation you can learn. Atmosphere and writing style you can’t, and if you’re solid on them you’re going to be good to go in no time.